


I Should Tell You, I’m Disaster

by Lady_Jane666



Category: Fallout 4
Genre: Childhood Trauma, Dark, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friendship/Love, Lies, Mental Instability, Multiple identities, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV First Person, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Semi-established relationship, possible smut at some point, slowish burn... kinda
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-20
Updated: 2016-06-21
Packaged: 2018-07-16 03:20:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7249912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Jane666/pseuds/Lady_Jane666
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Her past is a mystery, wrapped in lies and pain. As she learns to cope with loss, love and the never ending hell of this new world Whisper has only one person who she can count on to be by her side is Deacon, who like her lives a life built upon lies. Can they overcome their pasts to find happiness or will the events leading to the destruction of the Institute destroy them both? Will Whispers past catch up to her, even 200 years later?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One: Let me tell you a tale of pain, loss, lies and love.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, this is my first Fallout story. I have been playing around with this story for a few months now and I have decided to share it with ya'll. It's not beta'd so please forgive any issues. I really love Deacon and am so sad I can't romance him in game because he is the only person I could ever see my SoSu being romantically involved with. SO that being said I don't own any of the characters except Mara/Whisper/Lily (whom ever the hell she is) and please enjoy. I really love comments so please let me know what you are thinking of the story.

Chapter One: Let me tell you a tale of pain, loss, lies and love...

 

My life has always been complicated, to say the least, even before the war... before the vault and before everything got turned all around. Where as most people would have seen being frozen for 200 odd years as a horrible atrocity, I saw it as a second chance. All the lies I had been telling for years didn't need to be told any more. I didn't have to hide from my past. From my family. I was free, well free-ish. Soon the old lies were replaced by new ones, what can I say... I have a problem with the truth of my life. The truth was often far more painful than telling lies to people my whole life.

 

The truth being, my father was Eddie Winter, a horrible man. My mother tried to keep him from me, but he was always there looming, controlling my life from the shadows. He taught me how to use a gun. Taught me that you had to lie to get ahead in this world. I guess in a lot of ways my father, however absentee he was, shaped for the world I was thrust into. Nate saved  from a life that would have probably ended with me in a body bag. I owed him so much, he was my lawyer the first time I ever got in trouble and he fell for me, somehow. I am not sure I ever quite loved him, I loved the idea of him of him. My knight in a nicely pressed three piece suit and he was as far from the boys of Southie as I could get. So, I did what what any smart girl would do. We got married, I changed my name for the first time, dyed my hair and even "had a little work done" to change as much of me as I could. I wasn’t Lillianna Winter any more, I was Lily McCree and I loved the new sweet person I became.  We had this beautiful life, even though so much of it was lies built upon lies, it was beautiful. I was happy. When Shaun was born, my life found new purpose. I wrapped myself up in caring for this tiny little boy who depended on me for everything little thing. I showed him all the love my mother showed me as a child and I did my best to protect him from the evils always lurking in the shadows. He was my sun and stars. My day started and ended on his call and then that horrible fucking October day my boy was lost to me. 

  
  


From the second I saw him ripped from Nate's arms I knew, I just knew, I was never going to get my baby boy back. I could only think about how I wish I could have talked Nate into letting me hold him while we went in the pods but Nate was so stubborn and said even during the apocalypse I should have a bit of break from caring for our son. It should have been me shot in the head. It should have been Nate facing this horrible world I awoke to. He would have been so much more prepared than I was. But from the very second I awoke I vowed to find Shaun. Dead or alive.The sweet little housewife that Nate knew died the second that monster Kellogg put that gun to his temple and squeezed the trigger. The person that emerged from the vault wasn’t either people I had been before the war. She was some twisted combination of the two. I started calling myself Mara, I couldn’t be myself in this new world. Lillianna would have gotten herself killed in a fight and Lily would have been just a heap of tears. Mara was strong, determined, ruthless when she had to be but she was also kind and sweet when she wanted to be. In many ways she was the person I had always wanted to be. Though she was nothing but lies peppered with truth.

 

Along the way I met some amazing people, made friends I don't deserve and told more lies because well that's all I know and if everyone had known the truth there was a damn good chance that none of them would have helped me. Well Hancock probably would have, honestly Hancock probably would have loved the wild Lils of my youth but I couldn’t be different people with each of my new friends. That would have just been fucking bat shit crazy. I like to think of myself as functional type of crazy.

 

I suppose that's why when I came across the Railroad...  no when I came across Deacon... I felt at home for the first time I could remember I didn't have to pretend like my lies were truths. Deacon didn’t care that I wasn’t necessarily the most honest of people, because the one thing no one could say about him was that he was an honest man, but he was a good man. He was by far the most amusing of my new friends and the handsomest of them as well if you must know. What can ya say, the man knew how to pick a good face and had good bone structure which as any good Old World plastic surgeon would tell you is the key to good work. He was pretty cagey about his past but what I could make out as truth he and I were cut from the same cloth, albeit a 150 odd years apart. I guess that’s why we stuck together. There was parts of both of us that needed each other to survive in this incressingly shity world we found ourselves in. 

 

Now, I could never picture my life without him by my side. He knows me inside and out. We can lie to the rest of the world but alone, he and I are nothing but honest. He is the other half of my broken soul. Though, it wasn't always that way, trust me we both have told our fair share of lies to each other. It wasn't until I came back from the Institute did everything sort of shifted...

 

++++++++++++++ 

 

My sweet Shaun... my tiny little boy who loved his stuffed monkey and when I sang to him... grew up to be the head of the single worst thing about this god forsaken world. I couldn't even begin to wrap my head around everything I had just learned. Des, Glory, the Doc there were all coming at me with a thousand questions about what I had seen. I wanted to tell them everything... the bad, the shitty and the really fucking horrible. But I just stood there. Deer in the headlights, my hands shaking, my heart racing and fighting back the sudden urge to just fall to the floor and cry for days. I didn’t know if I was going to scream, cry or lose my lunch… all three at the same time did see like a very real possibility in the that moment. My eyes searched for the one face I could count on not to ask questions. The one face that made my heart still and my pain slip away even just for a minute. 

 

There he was, walking into the large room from the back entrance. It looked like he had been in a fight or drinking… probably both and he obviously hadn’t slept since I left. He stopped in his tracks when he saw me standing there, shaking with fear and in the midst of probably one of the worst panic attacks of my life. He stood frozen for a moment, my lips moved to try and say his name but no sound escaped. He shoved his way through the group of the agents gathered around me. I reached out for him, unsteady on my feet and I needed him. I needed him in that moment more than I had needed anything in my whole life. In retrospect it was no surprise at all to me that he was the one person to step in and put a stop to all the commotion. Though if you would have asked me in the moment I was expecting Glory to start barking order, not Deacon. "Would you guys just give Whisper a minute..." Deacon said sternly, it was the first time I had ever seen him be so serious. From the reactions of the rest of the Railroad, I am pretty sure this was the first time any of them had seen this side of him.  He took my arm, his callused hands on my skin sent shivers down my spine, and slowly ushered me into the catacombs. He pulled me off in an alcove where he just stood there, looking at me behind those sunglasses waiting for me to say something, to do anything. 

 

I was so numb, my brain a mess, I was sure that even if I tried to speak that it wouldn't make  ounce of sense. "Shaun..." I started. My voice shaking and cracking as I spoke. "Shaun..." I stumbled over his name again. My voice cracked more and felt like I was about to fall over.  "Shaun..." the tears started streaming down my face and my knees gave way. Deacon caught me in his arms. The emotions I had done my best to hide were getting the best of me and the walks I had built up to protect myself crumbled as I stood there in front of my partner, the one person in the Commonwealth I almost trusted.

 

He hushed me and mumbled something that I sure was sweet, or funny to try and help the situation but it was completely lost on me. I just kept mumbling Shaun's name and was in full hysterics. I wouldn't have put it past him to slap me across the face to bring me out of it but he must have known that would have pissed me off. So he did the only thing he knew that would shake me out of my self. "Lily..." Deacon whispered, it was the first time I had heard my real name since going into the vault. Only Deacon and Codsworth knew my name... everyone else I knew called me Mara or Whisper because that was who they knew. Deacon was well a spy and he had gone into Vault 111 at some point in time before I was woken up and he found my name. He told me he knew months back when we started to grow close, not as some sort of threat but more because he wanted me to know he knew the truth.

 

My name shook me to my core and I could only just look up at him as he sat me down on a crate before pushing his sunglasses up so I could see his eyes. I knew why he always hid his eyes, because they were his tell. They were filled of worry and fear, in all the time that I had traveled with him I had never seen such an expression cross his face. "What the hell happened?" His voice was soft and there was no harness that I was expecting, only concern. 

 

I reached out to him, grabbing his hands. "My Shaun..." I started and the tears started to return and I could feel myself losing grip but Deacon squeezed my hand bringing me back to the moment. "He is the head of the Institute... and Deacon it's so much worse than anything they could have made stories about." I watched his expression change and for the first time in the near year I had known him he wrapped his arms around me and just held me. It was far more comforting that I had ever dreamt it to be, and trust me I had dreamt a lot about Deacon in the last few months. "The institute took him for his untouched DNA, to create the gen 3 synths. All of the synths have part of my DNA in them. All of them. They have labs where they are creating the super mutants, infecting kidnapped people from the Commonwealth with this virus and forcing them to become the Super Mutants and then they replace those people with synths." I mumbled into his chest. I know what this information meant to him, to all of us. “I saw a room, full of Mutants in tanks, hooked up to machines. And the room where they make the Synths… where they birth them.” My whole body shook as I spoke. My heart pounded with in my chest and I felt like I couldn’t breath. My arms wrapped tightly around him, my hands held onto his shirt like it was the one thing keeping me from slipping away into a pit of darkness. Perhaps there was some truth in that to be honest.

 

I looked up at him and he just looked as heartbroken as I felt, he promised me when we first met that he would help me save Shaun from the Institute. Now we both knew that would never happen.  "It's all my son... he is doing this. All my sins are coming back to destroy this world you all have tried to build. My baby grew up to be the boogie man. I tried so hard to protect him from all the evil in the world. The evil in his blood but they took him from. They unleashed that evil I had prayed wasn’t in his blood and now the world is paying for it. I… I gave birth to a monster." I couldn't say anything more. Only cry and whimper against his dingy white shirt as he silently held me, letting me get out all the emotions I was feeling. He never once asked what was the evil I spoke of. He just held me and I needed that more than any jokes or words he could ever say.

 

I can't tell you how long we sat there, how long he held me for. I know that Glory came out at some point to see if we were alright but Deacon just barked at her. "Not a good fucking time Glory." It must have been an odd enough of an occurrence that she slinked away without even one smart comment. He would wipe the tears from my face from time to time and there were moments where I could tell he was stopping himself from speaking because for once he had no words. I would look up at him ever so often, see his soft eyes looking down at me and that would just send me into another wave of tears and then I would bury my face in his chest once more. Though soon, the tears dried up. Not for lack of wanting to cry more, I just had none left with in me to fall. My head was pounding, ever muscle in my body hurt. I had to stop. I had to pull it together.

 

When I had finally pulled my shit together he let go of me, still just looking at me with those beautiful blue eyes of his that he really shouldn't hide behind those sunglasses all the time. I wanted to tell him more, how Shaun wanted me to help him further the Institute's plans for the commonwealth but as soon as I opened my mouth he finally spoke. "No... don't." He reached out and took my left hand and helped me back to my feet. "I don't want you to relive this more than I know you will already have too... Des is going to want to know everything. Let's just go talk with her and get this over with and then we can leave, go wherever you want." This protective side of Deacon was one I had never seen before, I would be lying if I didn't say that I really enjoyed it. Funny, snarky, sarcastic Deacon had his place in my heart but this Deacon I felt was more like the man he once was. I thought back to when we told me about his wife, Barbara, I felt like this side of him was the side she saw every day. If he was like this with her, it was no wonder she fell in love with him so hard. It was an easy thing for a girl to do. If I wasn’t in love with him before, I fell hard for him in that moment.

 

Together we walked, hand in hand, back into HQ. His thumb brushed against my wedding ring as we walked. Perhaps it was to remind himself that I still hadn't gotten closure about Nate or perhaps it was to remind himself that he hadn't done the same for Barbra on some level. Either way, having his hand in mine felt so natural and like it was always meant to be this way. He sat me down in a fairly comfortable chair off in a dark corner and let go of my hand. His long, thin fingers lingered across my palm as he promised to be back in just a few minutes. I didn’t want him to leave, I was worried I would fall apart again but I took a deep breath. We had to do this. Des had to know and if I did this all at once it would be like ripping a band-aid off, well not really but I was trying to keep my shit together. When he returned he brought Des, a bottle of Vodka and a semi-clean glass. I was beyond thankful he had the foresight that his was a situation that called for some liquid courage. 

 

Des pulled over a chair for herself and one for Deacon. They both sat down and I was going to start speaking but I saw Deacon twist the top of the bottle off and pour me a rather large drink.  Handing it to me, not so much offering it as a silent demand to drink, before looking over at Des. "She is going to say what she saw once and only once. The other are going to have to hear it from me, or you. Not Whisper." Des nodded and down the drink hissing slightly as the liquor burned my throat before the comforting warmth spread through my stomach. 

 

I took a deep breath. Ran my hands nervously through my hair. “My son was taken by the Institute, but not ten years ago like we had thought. It has been over sixty. Shaun was raised by the heads of the old regime, his DNA used to create the advanced Synths we know now…” With each word I spoke I saw Des’s face drop more and more.

 

I told them everything. Every detail, every horrible thing that I had uncovered.  My hands shook and there were moments where I thought I was going to lose it but Deacon would reach out and just graze my hand with his and I would be able to pull myself together long enough to continue. There were moments where I almost though Des was going to join me in tears or Deacon was going to storm off in rage but they both stayed and listened. Not because they wanted to, but because this is a story that they had to know. By the end of my tale Des was reaching for the bottle of vodka herself.

 

"This... this is far more complicated than I could have ever expected." Des spoke softly just before she downed her drink and set the glass on the floor. My eyes darted between Des and Deacon. "Whisper do you have anything else you can think of?" I shook my head and looked at Deacon for a moment.

 

He stood up and held out his hand to me. "If that's that, then I think Whisper and I are probably going to take off for a few days." His words were less of a statement and more of a question to which I nodded. We would probably head over to my house in Diamond City at least for the night, and work the rest out over the next day or so. Preston always needed help, so we could go run with the minutemen for a while. Nick had stacks of cases I know he could use a hand on and Nick always did his best to take of me when I helped him. Or we could just get lost for a while. All were viable option but I couldn't for the life of me even attempt to make some kind of decision at that moment.

 

Des took a deep breath and nodded. "Take your time, it is going to take a few days to wrap our heads around this informations. Tom has a lot of work to do going over the files you got for us, so take all the time you need to process all this." She reached out and took my hand for a moment. "Don't blame yourself for this. You did nothing to make any of this happen. You have done the best you could do." Her words were so kind and genuine. I didn't deserve the kindness that everyone was showing me. I gave a quiet nod and slipped away to pack my things quickly before slipping out the back way. I knew Deacon would follow me when he was ready but for now I need a few moments alone.

 

I sat on the stairs in silence for quite some time. My mind went a thousand different places, my cruel father, my sweet natured mother who he had killed, Nate my proverbial knight in shining armor, my sweet little chubby cheeked Shaun and then back to the the one person in the Commonwealth that always had my back... Deacon, my Deacon. I had all these feelings about him and in all honesty I had felt a strong connection to him for quite awhile now. There were moments he drove me mad, moments where he was so sweet and kind, and then moments like tonight where my heart told me that maybe he had the same feelings I had been hiding for months.  He always seemed to keep himself so closed off to everyone and everything. I was the same way, well at least I tried to be. But tonight when he saw me walk into HQ after leaving the Institute, not knowing what had happened... when our eyes met there was an unmistakable shift in him.

 

It was painfully easy for me to fall in love with him. It shouldn't have been if I really loved Nate as much as I had told myself I did. Deacon was so far from the type of person my husband was. Nate was good, honest to fault, he hated all the horrible things that he did in the army. They would haunt his dreams and I remember having to wake up and just hold him till it was all over. I ran my hands through my hair as I thought harder about Nate and Deacon. The more I thought about them... the more I saw the reasons that I loved them both in their own ways. They were both beautifully broken men, in very different ways mind you, but there was parts of them that were so flawed that they could never quite get over it. They both had kind hearts and they were both good men. Too good for the likes me.

 

The longer I sat there the more Deacon took over my mind and I welcomed it, at least I wasn't thinking about Shaun or the Institute. It had to been nearly an hour since I walked unceremoniously out of HQ and for the briefest of moments I wondered if Deacon had forgotten about me till he came rounding the corner. His had black wig on, sunglasses, and a black leather biker jacket, his usual I have no clue where we are going disguise. I really wondered if it was less of disguise and more what he was comfortable in he wore this particular outfit so much. He stood in front of me, half smirk playing on his lips. "So Boss... where we going." The moment he spoke there was a small switch that flipped in my brain and went from sad, yet peaceful to suddenly highly annoyed.

 

"Don't call me boss ok... I hate it." in the past I had ignored it for the most part when he called me boss. Chalked it up to it being just the way he spoke, even though when I was young I remembered everyone calling my dad 'Boss' and the association always just stuck. "My dad was always called Boss and I really don't like my dad ok." There was this undertone of anger in my voice and demeanor as I stood up and slung my bag over my shoulder. 

 

Deacon grabbed my arm as I was about to storm off. "Hey..." He started and I glanced over my shoulder at him. "I didn't know, if it gets under your skin that much I won't call you it ever again. You just gotta be honest with me about stuff like this." I knew my anger was misplaced with him, I wasn’t mad at him, he was the last person earth that deserve my anger in that moment but he was the safest target.  One thing I learned young that if you had to be mad at some unjustly be mad at someone who cared about you because they were less likely to get bent out of shape. At least that was the theory.

 

I scoffed and shook my head. "Isn't that ironic... the professional liar telling me to be honest." I started off up the stairs and waited for him to follow me but when I didn't hear his familiar footsteps behind me I stopped. Turning around I looked down at him standing at the bottom of the stairs, looking slightly disheartened by my retort. I knew in that moment I had hurt him. My anger at him stung to his core and instantly my heart hurt for my actions but I made my bed. I was going to have to take whatever was going to happen next.

 

"You know... You know more about me... the real me than anyone else. I trust you. I care about you... deeply." I watched him carefully as he slowly climbed the steps. "You know about my past..." He took another step closer, "My wife," another step, "My pain," another step, "My fears," finally we were standing face to face. He was upset at my misplaced anger, I am sure he thought I was better than this. “You know so much more than anyone else, I am more honest with you than any other soul living.” I started to speak but stopped myself. I had to try and make this better, I had to try and fix this. The last person in the world I would honestly want to hurt would be him.

 

"Yes... I know all these things, but I don't know your name. How much do you trust me if you won't even tell me your name?" I crossed my arms in front of my chest and cocked my head to one side. My black curls touched the middle of back as I tilted my head and pursed my lips. "You know my name... my real name. You know about my son, my husband, the horrible things I have done. You know more about me than my own husband did... I trust you. I... I..." I started to stutter because I didn't know how to express how I felt about him. Till I just blurted out. "I fucking love you. Of all the people I have come across you are the only one who understands why I am the way I fucking am." There was a brief moment where I regretted what had just come out of my mouth, that was until his lips came crashing down on mine.

 

I was in shock for a moment, I honestly had thought for so long that my feelings were completely one sided. That nothing was ever going to come of this. We were both too broken, too messed up to ever be able to have any kind of meaningful relationship. Maybe that's the truth but his lips on mine sent a shiver down my spine in a way I had never felt before. Even with Nate. As our lips parted Deacon spoke softly. "Jack." It took me a moment to realise that he had just told me his name. His real name.

 

"Jack..." I said softly. He nodded. "Don't ever lie to me again. Lie to everyone else. I could care less. Just not to me, please." He took my hands and nodded.

 

"Only if you won't lie to me, Lily." I nodded and smiled slightly. We walked out into the streets where I once lived together, in a comfortable silence. Our hands just barely touching. All these feelings that we had for each other, ones we had kept locked away, slowly coming to the surface were going to change everything between us. I was scared and I am sure he was as well. We both had been destroyed when we lost our spouses before, the fear of losing something even a fraction of what we had before, would loom heavily over us in the coming months.


	2. Chapter Two: Coming home

Chapter Two: Coming home...

 

As we walked through the streets of Boston, towards Diamond City I scooted us towards the home where I had grown up. I had avoided my old neighborhood like the plague, even before the bombs. There were always too many memories for me to process but since Deacon and I vowed to be honest with each other there were things he had to know.

 

It was time for Deacon, rather Jack, to know why Lily had to be a separate part of my life. Mara was strong, brave and fought for good. Lily was scared, easily manipulated and not worthy of anyone. It was time someone knew the truth about happened in that house and my past. My childhood home was modest even before the bombs, but now after 200 years of decay it was barely a shell of it’s former self. The bay window that I sat for hours upon hours in reading my books and listening to the radio was gone. The door that I used to run through several times a day was gone. I could see the once bright sky blue paint of living room walls faded to a grey color tinged with blue and mold. I thought seeing my old house would make me feel better in some way but it only reminded me that everyone who knew the real me was likely long dead.

 

I stood in front of the broken steps, just staring at the vacant house wondering what had called it home since the last time I stepped foot inside. My eyes closed and I tried to picture it as it once was. Filled with the smells of my mother cooking dinner and singing old songs that I had long forgotten the words to. Part of me wanted to stay in the hazy memories forever, trust me I could see the appeal of a place like the Memory Den, but I felt Deacon reach out touch my hand. “Hey, you can’t keep blaming yourself.” He started and I opened my eyes and glanced back at him for a moment. My lip shook a little and he squeezed my hand. “Tell me what you’re thinking, I am many things doll but a mind reader is not one of them.” 

 

I looked over at him with a solemn look on my pale face. "This is where I grew up." I said softly pointing to the house. "I lived here with my mom, her name was Alice." Deacon squeezed my hand again and we just stood there, looking at that old house in the dimming light of the sunset. “I haven’t been back here since before the war.” My heart was already in a thousand little pieces after learning what happened to Shaun, but seeing my old house shattered it even more. There was a small part of me that longed for the old days, my childhood and most of all my mom. They were all things I could never get back.

 

"I didn't know you grew up in Boston." I nodded. "What was it like?" I pulled him towards the broken steps and we sat down together for a moment. My rifle resting across my lap as I looked around the streets where we I played for many an hour as child, waiting for some monster to leap out and attack.

 

"They called this area 'South Boston' or ‘Southie’, it's where a lot of the rougher people lived,  people who didn't have the kind of money to live in the nice suburbs like Sanctuary Hills or the like. It was controlled for the most part by one guy... Eddie Winter." I closed my eyes for a minute and in the still of the early evening I could almost picture what it was like when I was little girl.

 

I could see my friends playing in the streets, dodging cars or throwing bottles at the nice cars that you knew were just passing through. I could hear the loud arguments of the neighbors. I even could see my mother sitting where we were now, with a smile on her face. It was like this beautiful dream. Till I could see my father and his men standing outside the bar just down the street, smoking their cigars and cigarettes and his cold eyes fixed on me. Suddenly my dream was turning into a nightmare and I had to shake myself of it.  "Eddie and his crew kept the streets 'safe'" I made little air quotes as I spoke the world safe. "It came at a price of course... there were gambling dens, loads of bars, lots of crime and bad men always around... but in the summer. The streets were filled with kids playing baseball or football. I would ride my bike around the neighborhood following around whatever local boy I had a crush on. No one messed with me in the neighborhood though, not a single soul would have dared."

 

Deacon chuckled. "How is that any different than now? You strike fear into just about everyone who doesn't know you, like I do." He leaned in and nudged me with his shoulder trying to get me to laugh a little. He was always so good at trying to make a painful subject less so. “I can so picture a tiny little Lily, with wild hair, bossing all the other kids around just because you could.” I shook my head. That was so far from the truth. “Well then why in the world did no one mess with you?”

 

My face was deadly serious as I turned to him. "They didn't mess with me because my father... the one I hate so much... was Eddie Winter." Deacon's eyes got wide. The mafia was one of the few things that didn’t get destroyed with the bombs. Where there is crime, there is always a crime boss. I think that in his own Deacon was seeing why I had no problem killing all those triggermen when we went to rescue Nick a few months back and why I kept telling him I hate gangsters. It was for any great moral reason, it was because I wish I could have killed my father for what he did to so many people.

 

"Yeah can you say I was some kind of  Mafia Princess..." I said with a chuckle. Hancock always called me Princess when he saw me, because he said the first time he saw me with my long dark hair, pale skin and bright blue eyes that I looked like a fairytale princess in combat armor. The irony of that nickname was no longer lost on Deacon, perhaps at some point I would have to inform the Ghoul Mayor of this irony as well but not yet. He smirked for a moment before nodding for me to continue. "My dad had no other kids, but my mom tried so damn hard to keep him from turning me into what she feared the most." I paused and looked back up at empty living room. That living room held so many good memories. Birthdays, Christmas, but for the life of me the only memory that was still as clear as it happened yesterday was arguably the second worst day of my life (the first being the day Nate was killed and Shaun kidnapped). It was the whole reason that I had made us come the long way round, so I mustered what little strength I had left and continued. "So... when I was 13. My dad sent a couple of his goons over to the house."

 

I paused for a moment taking a deep breath. I hadn't talked about that day ever, not to a single soul, even Nate. Deacon put his hand on my leg and leaned in a little as I continued. "They came to get me, take me to my father... he had plans for me and I was old enough to learn the 'business' now. My mom, she never wanted this to happen, it was the reason she fought so hard to keep me away from my dad. There was a big argument between my mom and my dad's right hand man. Before I could even wrap my head around everything he pulled out his gun and put a bullet straight through my mother's temple. Just like Kellogg did to Nate" I said brushing my fingers across my own. "I lost it... they had to literally pull me off her body and throw me over their shoulders and I think they must had knocked me out or something because the next thing I knew I was on the couch in my dad's living room." It felt good in a way that someone else knew of the event that still haunted my dreams. The look on my mom’s face as she lay in that puddle of her own blood was forever burned into my mind. Her bright green eyes were wide open and her face was a mask of fear. I am sure if I went into the living room and pulled the carpet up there would still be a stain left from that fateful day. It still was the clearest picture of my mother that remained burned into my mind the way she looked the day she died.

 

Deacon looked down at the ground. I could see the look of sadness on his face. "That's fucking horrible." Was all he managed to say. I reached out and squeezed his hand. The poor guy has taken on so many of my issues. Shaun, Nate, now my family. He had to know though, he wanted me to be honest and he wanted to know why I ended up the way I am. No one lies about who they are because their past was filled with sunshine and bunnies. He should have know that much.

 

"You see... your not the only one with a dark past. And I hate my father for a damn good reason. Not some stupid reason a lot of the girls I went to school with hated their parents. He took the one person who only ever tried to protect me, from me so he could shape me into the person he wanted me to be. It's how I know how to lie so well. How I know how to shoot. How all this violence and death that we deal with on a day to day basis doesn't phase me in the slightest." I looked down at my dirty black boots and bit my bottom lip. “I did things for my father that I regret. I have a lot of red in my ledger… I guess that’s why I try so hard to help people now. I can’t undo what I have done, but I can try to make this world better and hope that if there is a God above, they will see that I am not my father’s daughter.”  I stood up and brushed the dust and dirt off my jeans. I looked down at Deacon who was still sitting there, processing all this new information and I reached out and touched his cheek which made him jump a little.

 

He reached up and grabbed my hand. "I'm sorry Lily... I'm sorry you had to live like that. You were just a kid, a little kid and you lived through things that would destroy an adult. You are a strong woman, even if you don’t want to believe it." His words made me want to start crying again but all my tears had been used up crying about the loss of my son. He kissed my fingers and we stood there in silence for a few moments.  "You know I have always had your back, I always will. Till the day I die I will try and protect you." I smiled down at him. In his own way I think that he just told me that he loved me.

 

"I know." Was all I said as he stood up and we started to make our way through the ruined city towards the shining green jewel that I often called home.

 

+++++++++

Diamond City was one of the few places in the Commonwealth that I felt fairly safe. I didn't need to constantly be looking over my shoulder to see if someone was going to stab me in the back. That being said, the city had it's own dangers but they were minor compared to the rest of the world. You had to worry about people who hated you because of where you were from or being accused of being a synth. Honestly it was like the suburbs of this new world. I would call the problems we faced there ‘First World Problems’ and Deacon never understood what I meat but he usually laughed none the less. 

 

After spending so much time here throughout my journey, most people knew me fairly well. Piper's article helped with that as well. Walking through the gates and down the stairs towards the little market place that my home was just off of I was greeted my favorite reporter. I had to switch off the sadness that I had been feeling for the last day and try and be the funny and sweet natured person that Piper knew as Mara. It was a visible shift. I went from walking like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders to standing tall and walking with a little bounce in my step. "Little Blue! Oh my god I am so happy to see you! It has been almost a month, I was starting to get worried!" Piper greeted me with a warm hug and a huge smile. I mustered a smile back and she turned to Deacon. "I see you still are hanging around this walking mystery." Piper gestured towards him and Deacon just shrugged.

 

"What can I say... she has excellent taste in partners." Deacon said with a smug smirk throwing his arm around me and I just chuckled for a moment. Piper just shook her head and laughed. Piper and I were pretty friendly, it was nice to have someone my age and female around to talk to at times... even if I used vague terms and never told her my real name. She helped me out so much in finding Nick, who helped me get answers and closure when it came to finding the asshole who killed Nate. I also just adored her little sister Nat. I guess if you had to call someone a close friend in my situation, Piper would one of those people. She had always tried to help me and never asked for anything in return.

 

I suddenly remembered I had found few things for Nat and stowed them in my bag. I very unceremoniously shoved Deacon's arm off my shoulder and dropped my bag to the ground. "Before I forget... and you know that happens way too often..." I joked as I dug through my bag finding the small cloth wrapped package I had safely stowed away. I stood up and slung my bag back over my shoulder. "Colored Pencils, a couple pens with some ink still in them and a mostly unused sketch book... for Nat, so she can draw those comics she was telling me about." I said with a small smile as I handed them to a very surprised Piper.

 

"Oh Blue! She is going to love these." She exclaimed with a huge smile on her face. "Thank you... I know these had to be a real pain to find." I could see Deacon smirk out of the corner of my eye. He was a sucker for when I went out of my way to do good things for other people, especially kids. It was my motherly instincts that never disappeared even through all this mess. 

 

"It really was no big deal." Which was a bold faced lie. They were a massive pain in the ass to find but if they made Nat happy that was going to be enough for me. Piper hugged me and we said a brief goodbye and made plans to meet up for lunch tomorrow so I could catch her up on some of the news from outside the walls.

 

Deacon and I started to walk to my little house off the market that was affectionately knows as 'Home Plate'. There were small crowds of people gathered at the shops doing business which made slipping into the house without being noticed by anyone else came up to talk to me much easier that was expecting. While I had put on a brave face for Piper, I didn't want to have to keep doing it. I was exhausted on every level and I was having a really hard time holding it together. I wanted to curl up and sleep for another 200 years.

 

As soon as we walked through the door I let a sigh of relief out which caused Deacon to chuckle. "Happy to be home?" He asked as he tossed his bag on the floor, took off his jacket  and sat down on the patched together couch that made up the majority of my living room furniture. The house was sparsely decorated, there was a small dog bed near the door for when we had Dogmeat with us, but right now my furry best friend was helping Preston with the molerat problem affecting the crops at Sanctuary. I missed that little mutt. I made a mental note that  I was going to have to talk Deacon into going back to Sanctuary soon so we could get our little buddy back.

 

“No, not at all” I said with a heavy dose of sarcasm assat down next to him, taking my boots off and tossing them by the door. I was sitting a little distance from him, unsure of what exactly our boundaries were now that things had shifted between us.

 

He answered my unasked question with his hand covering my own, "Come here..." He said softly and I looked over at him for a moment before scooting over till our thighs were touching and his arm snaked around my shoulder urging me to rest my head on on his shoulder. Which I happily did. I let out another heavy sigh as I settled in. “Comfortable are ya?” he asked and smirked and nodded.

 

It had been so long since I had sat like this, since I had been so close with anyone without it being some sort of act (at least on some level). I looked up at him, still wearing that ridiculous wig and his ever present sunglasses. I turned around so I was facing him, kneeling next to him on the couch. His arm, which was just around my shoulder, now was resting against my waist. "What are you doing?" He asked, I could see one of his ginger eyebrows poke up from behind the sunglasses.

 

I didn't say anything for a moment, I just looked at him. He screamed Deacon, and while I loved and adored Deacon... the man he was under all the disguises and lies fascinated me to no end. I knew if what had said in the tunnel was true, I had to love every part of him, not just the Deacon I knew. "Take this off..." I said pulling the wig off his head which made him make a small noise of protest, I laid it down on the coffee table and turned back to him once more. "And these" I reached up and pulled off his sunglasses, folded them, and set them neatly down next to his wig. He rubbed his eyes as they adjusted to fluorescent glow of the few scattered lights. I smiled. He really was handsome, he picked a good face, though I really wondered what he had looked like before all the face changes. That I would probably never know, but I did know why he always shaved his head now. His hair, it would have given him away in a crowded so quickly. Bright red, I personally loved the color and wished he would just let his hair grow out a little but I understood why he didn’t.  I sat back on my feet and just looked at him, beaming like a silly little school girl. I

 

"Happy now? I feel naked." he asked with a heavy dose of sarcasm. I chuckled and nodded. He leaned forward and went to remove my own sunglasses. "Payback is fair game..." He said as took them off and tossed them on to the table. He reached up and started to undo the straps on my chest piece. "And the armor. We are not in some fight to the death now are we?" He helped me take the heavy chest plate off and set it on the floor leaning up against the arm of the couch. He laughed when he saw I was wearing one of his dingy white shirts. "Stealing my clothes..." His fingers trailed down my sides and played with the bottom of my, well his, shirt. “I know for a fact that you have plenty of your own.” He said with a smirk. 

 

I smirked back at him and shrugged, really stealing his shirt wasn't completely intentional, except for the fact that it smelled like him and I was really scared when I had to use the teleporter and going into the institute. So perhaps it was really pretty intentional in retrospect. When I was getting dressed the day before, I saw one of his shirts laying on top of his bag and I couldn't help myself, I wished he could have come with me. "I...uh..." I started stammering trying to figure out some lie to tell him but then I remembered we had promised not to lie to each other.  "I was scared going in institute ok... and you couldn't come with me. It smelled like you, and that helped me not to freak out... so much.  So.."

 

"You wore my shirt." His light blue eyes glimmered like little aquamarine stones in the low light as he leaned forward. I could feel my cheeks flush. He reached up and caressed my cheek. "You know it's actually really sweet." I was definitely bright red now, which just made him grin all the more. He settled back on the couch and motioned for me to join him now my armor gone and in many ways so was his. I curled up next to him, my head resting once again on his shoulder. I felt so comfortable and at home in his arms.

 

Despite the stressful and long day there was this air of peace in the room. Deacon was the most relaxed I had ever seen him. Having told him how I felt, there was this weight lifted off me that I hadn't even known was there. My protective walls were coming down little by little. There was a lot more work to be done on that front on both of our parts but we had made more progress in a few hours than I think either of us were ever expecting. "I am happy you didn't run off when I said... you know..." I started softly looking up at him for a moment before staring off across the room.

 

"That you fucking love me..." he added with a chuckle.

 

"Yeah... that... and the whole bit about my dad." My hand found his and our fingers interlaced as I continued. "I mean... finding out your partner comes from an old world mafia family.."

"Is on par with finding out your partner was once one of the very people that we work so hard to protect synths from. Not to mention the slaughter of that same group in a most gruesome manner..."

 

"And how my son grew up to be the head of the Institute..."

 

"See, you professing your undying love to me is honestly the least shocking event to happen today." He kissed the side of my head and I leaned into him more. "Honestly I was fairly sure you had some kind of feelings for me for a while now. I wasn't quite sure what the feelings I was having towards you meant till I saw you disappear, going someplace I couldn't make sure you were safe and I felt nothing but panic and fear that you were going to get hurt or killed and I couldn't stop it." I couldn't bring myself to look up at his face as he spoke. His voice held all this emotion that I had never heard from him before. "When I felt that I knew... I knew you were more than just my partner or my friend." He rested his head on mine. "I can't tell you where this is going to go Lily... or what this means for us. But I can tell you I would die if anything were to happen to you and I don't want us to spend any more time apart than we have to." I smiled and tilted my head so we were looking at eachother now. His lips grazed mine in a tentative, nervous kiss.

 

As we parted I smiled and so did he. "You know, Jack..." he chuckled when I called him by his real name. "We need to make so rules, at least for now. On how to deal with all this."

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"You know, do we tell people or not?" The answer to that questions was glaringly obvious.

 

"Not... obviously. I am horribly jealous person, I don’t want to share any of the this with the world." He said with a chuckle. Apparently we were on the same wavelength as per usual. "I want this between you and me, this thing we have to be for us. Not the rest of the world. To the outside world we are Mara and Deacon... they work together, they are friends... they are the fucking Death Bunnies..." He said with a little smirk. "Behind closed doors, when we are alone... we can be Lily and Jack. We can figure all this out without prying eyes or other's opinions. That's the only way this is going to work. Maybe when this is all over, we take down the Institute everything will be different."

 

I nodded. He was right. Though the thought of secret love affair was so taboo in the old world and usually meant that you were cheating, now it was purely for a certain level of protection. We both knew without having to say it that if anyone knew our feelings for each other that they could easily be used a leverage by any number of people we had made enemies with. "I agree." Was all I said before we settled into a comfortable silence. My mind had begun to wonder off to what the future held for us after all this was said and done. We could get married, settle down and run a little farm. Maybe even have a couple kids. You know live the Commonwealth dream I suppose. I knew a fairy tale ending didn't exist in this world but if any two people deserved a chance at the fairy tail ending it was us.

 


End file.
